Ok! So we all know that sex sells and, at some point in a movie, we will be exposed to a love scene whether the film calls for it or not.
Now, I like to watch a good steamy love scene as much as anybody else does, but really? What we see in the movies is nothing like the sex we have at home, or at least not in my home.
People in movies never have premature ejaculations or even trouble getting it up for that matter. Not one vagina will make that embarrassing (farting) sound after a good session, no one leaves a wet patch in the bed, no flab, no pubes… shall I go on?
No, what we will see is two beautiful bodies, sensually purring and growling together until they reach the big O simultaneously. They will scream and claw at each other after 5 minutes of penetration and then start all over again and again and again.
You see where I’m going here?
Ladies, your man might be a David Beckham in the making who makes you want to rip your (and his) clothes off with one glance, but when it comes to having an orgasm, he’s going to look as pretty as a bulldog chewing a wasp. And so are you, quite frankly.
Everyone looks beautiful in the movies, especially when they’re coming in the arms of their one true love, but in reality you’re a hot, sticky, sweaty mess with mascara rings around your eyes.
Let’s not forget your orgasm face, that’s if you’re lucky enough to even have an orgasm, which will probably be the same as your “Arrgghhh, I just caught my pubes in my zipper” face.
I guess the difference lies with not working to a script. Everything happens so perfectly in the movies, which leaves me feeling a little like the Brigitte Jones of the situation. Would it work the same for me if I were working to a script?
I seriously doubt it.
- How many times have you seen a leading lady have to finish herself off because her Hollywood hunk couldn’t quite last as long?
- How many times have you heard the leading lady’s “not so pert” boobs crashing together, like they are applauding her effort?
- How many times have you seen the leading male go limp half way through his oscar winning performance?
- How many leading ladies have you heard say, “Is that it”?
- How many leading ladies have you seen with a zit on their ass?
- How many times have you seen the leading lady waddle to the bathroom afterwards with her knees squeezed together?
I’m guessing your answers, like mine, are none!
Has it ever happened at home?
Yes, all the time.
It’s all rather hard to swallow (no pun intended) but what is Hollywood actually ramming down our throats? (still no pun)
In Hollywood, sex is always sexy, always smooth, and always satisfying for both parties involved. While some disgruntled partners may well disagree with this point but the average time spent having sex is not 20 seconds like they show in a movie. Ok, I understand that we can’t have a scene that lasts for 20 mins, but at least make it realistic!
Another thing that always amazes me is the perfectly positioned modesty sheet after sex. Why the partner is only allowed to see naked flesh if they’re having sex but not any time in between is a ridiculous notion. When a real-life couple has sex, both will have obviously seen the other completely naked, assuming the aforementioned were fully unclothed prior to having sex, so why the woman would suddenly feel body conscious is completely inaccurate.
Come on Hollywood, show us all the maintenance that goes along with post coitus: towels, baby wipes, toilet paper, bed sheet puddles, sprayed curtains, wet walls, and sticky TV remotes.
Kudos to Meg Ryan for perfectly summing up the standard movie orgasm in her scene from “When Harry Met Sally” Overly dramatic, endless and utterly un-believable.
Now we are not asking to see the leading man apologise for not being able to perform after too many beers, but let’s go easy on the 60 second orgasms and body beautiful perfection please.
Honestly, while movie sex is fun, anyone who takes it seriously as a basis for real life romance is probably just going to be disappointed.
Hollywood, you’re not fooling anyone.
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